The fine art of raising a teenager
NEWSFLASH: Regular conflict does not assist in creating great relationships.
Sorry, that’s not really news. Most people consider that a fact of life. Just as it is a fact of life that there will be conflict between a teenager and their parents. And you can expect that there will be.
For most families there has to be. It is a part of making the change from child to adult that most teenagers need to rebel against authority (particularly their parents) and assert their ability to make their own decisions, to be the captain of their own ship. These however, are difficult waters to charter, due to the opposing needs of the participants. The parents, quite quietly are interested in maintaining order and safety and doing what is right. The teenager generally has little empathy for what the parent wants but is very aware of the need to do things that make them feel good.
There are no failsafe methods to eliminate difficulties, but there are some basics that may help:
Do your best to understand the difficulties that your teenager is facing. Try to put yourself in their shoes, think about if you were the teenager what would you want your parent to say
Look to say “Yes” as often as possible. This does not mean that you say yes to anything that your teenager wants, but you acknowledge that it would be great for them if they got what they wanted, then discuss your reservations and try to come up with a mutually agreeable compromise (sometimes this is not possible, and the answer just has to be “No”).
The time where you, as the head of the family, could just say what was allowable and what was not, has passed. Issues need to be discussed and compromises found. Trying to maintain too much control over your teenager is likely build anger, frustration and resentment within them. If they don’t feel like they have any control over their own lives are likely to disregard some or all of the rules in order to demonstrate their independence. This is unlikely to end well for anybody.
Importantly, when you make mistakes (and you will make mistakes - there has never been a perfect parent) apologise for them and make a concerted effort to be better next time. DO NOT beat yourself up for being human and doing the wrong thing occasionally or think about what a terrible parent you are. This type of thinking is likely to lead to more mistakes in the future. Your self-talk has to be – “I am a good parent, doing my very best. I will make mistakes but I will try to learn from them so that I don’t repeat them.”
Ultimately, it is important to remember that this is a phase of life. It may feel like it’s never going to end, but it will and they will thank you for your patience, love, support, wisdom and care (this may take a while even after it is over). The challenge is to do whatever you can to maintain your relationship, everybody’s safety and your sanity until then. Good luck!