The post ‘problem’ talk
How to get the best results when your child has done the wrong thing
The most important thing to remember when your child has done the wrong thing is that this is a learning opportunity. Yelling at, or otherwise berating, your child is likely to have them feel badly and as a result, behave more badly. Punishments diminish the positive relationship you want to have with your child so, while sometimes necessary, should not be our go to means of dealing with misbehaviour. Our aim is clearly to have the child change their behaviour. Our aim should be to do get the child to do that while we are as positive as possible (because that is the space that is best for learning).
So, where do you start? People talk about a discussion sandwich, where we start and end the conversation with positive comments about our child and discuss the behaviour that needs to change in the middle. A mnemonic (a way to remember) for this is
CONNECT
CORRECT
CONNECT
That is, if your child has hit their sibling in a fit of anger, try to start the conversation with something positive.
“I know we have spoken about this before and you have undertaken to not be violent anymore AND YOU HAVE BEEN DOING SUCH A GREAT JOB. I have seen you take deep breaths just like we spoke about and I was really proud of you the other day when you came to me when Dillon was annoying you and we sorted that out……………..”
If this issue has not been spoken about before or they have not made any progress at all in improving their behaviour, make the praise more general or about other things –
“In starting, I need to say how proud I have been of the way you have been behaving of late. You have ………… (list positive things in their behaviour)
Or
“Listen, I know we are dealing with a behaviour that you are finding difficult to change at the minute, but you have shown that you can change. It has been so impressive that you do your chores so well without ever complaining and you haven’t broken anything in anger for months now ………..”
Then move on to the issue …..
“But we do have to talk about what has occurred. Tell me what was going through your head leading up to what happened. What were you thinking? What were you feeling?”
Then, AVOID JUDGEMENT. While you might not think that what they were thinking or feeling is a reasonable or even believable response in the circumstances, it is important that you accept that it as their reality and whatever they felt was ok and acceptable, as all emotions are ok and acceptable. We just have to work out how those emotions are expressed in ok and acceptable behaviours.
Once the feelings have been discussed, a pathway forward needs to be discussed. A notion that everybody should adopt in life is: “When you have done the wrong thing, you have to try to the right thing – as a part of making amends.” You need to discuss what the right thing might look like in this circumstance. An apology to any wronged parties should be a part of that.
IMPORTANT: An apology is not just saying sorry. It needs at least three parts:
That I am sorry.
What I am sorry for.
A commitment not to do it again.
Consequences are how we learn: We do something. We see the results of that action. We decide if we are happy with that action and, if not, what we might change next time to get a better result. Frequently, talking through the issue and doing what can be done to make amends is sufficient to invoke the desired change. If this problem is recurring and there has not been any significant improvement in behaviour, then further consequence may be necessary.
Lastly, once the way forward has been planned, finish the conversation with something positive:
“I must commend you on the way that you have worked through this ….. “
or
“I respect the commitments that you have decided to give …………. It is a sign that you are growing more mature ……….”
Or
“Thank you for participating so positively in that discussion ……..”
If it is your practice to hug your kids (and I hope it is, because they are good for relationships), then finish with a hug and “I love you.”
Hopefully, the issue has been dealt with, people have learnt from the experience, undertaken to do better and you’re your relationship hasn’t been damaged, in fact could even be a little stronger.
We offer a free, no obligation one on one chat to see if we can help guide you through some positive ways to raise your kids - simply book your time on our website.