Co-parenting in separation: Getting the best outcomes for your kids (part 3)
In part 2 of our blog series we explored structures for co-parenting households to set up in order to gain the best results for their children. In this - part 3 - we make a start at looking at dealing with a difficult co-parent and some more thoughts about keeping your child’s welfare front of mind at times when we could get totally absorbed in our own issues.
These tips are taken from an article titled Co-Parenting for Separated & Divorced Parents on the Movember Family Man website.
Communication and dealing with co-parent conflict
The best way to achieve consistency in rules, discipline strategies, reward strategies and household routines, is to communicate effectively with your co-parent. Think about how and when you’ll communicate with your co-parent about your kids. What will you do when you disagree on discipline strategies? Effective communication can be incredibly difficult, but it all comes down to your mindset.
Take a step back and think about things logically. Your communication with your co-parent has one key purpose — your child’s wellbeing. Remind yourself how any communication will affect your child and put them at the centre of all conversations. And remember – nutting out effective communication techniques will make your life easier too by reducing the stress of co-parenting. Less stress is always a win.
Here are a few things that might help:
Managing your emotions and approaching interactions like a business transaction.
Making requests rather than stating a specific course of action. For example: “Would it be okay if we tried…”
Listening. Even if you don’t agree with everything, listening is a great tool to help dilute anger. Plus, it’s easy, just stay quiet and let them explain themselves.
Trying to compromise. At the end of the day just keep asking yourself “What impact is this really having on my child?”
Making a commitment to communicate regularly, such as at drop-offs or pick-ups from one household to another.
Remember that by communicating regularly and successfully dealing with conflict you’re creating a space where your child can feel happy and loved by both of their parents. And that’s what’s most important.
As an added bonus, you’ll be modelling effective communication and problem solving strategies for your kids, which will help reduce issues such as sibling conflicts and improve their overall wellbeing.
Helping your child through divorce
When in the middle of the minefield that is co-parenting, it can be easy to get wrapped up in our own emotions and forget to check in with our kids.
Ensure you set aside quality time with you and your children. Don’t shy away from talking openly about the separation and their feelings. Let them know they are safe, loved, and that they’ll never be abandoned by either parent. We don’t have to tell you how complicated separations can be, so imagine what it must be like for a child trying to figure it all out. Give them time to process and be prepared to talk about it as much as they need.
If you’re up for it, you could even try spending time together with your co-parent and the kids. A family dinner once a month can be a great way to ensure good communication and positive relationships – both of which are vital to ensuring your kids’ wellbeing.
John’s note: Family dinners are a great way to model to the we are united for you even though Mum and Dad aren’t a couple anymore. This is only a good idea however if everybody is comfortable in each other’s company. If there is more than a remote possibility that either parent might use the occasion to vent and create unrest, then better to wait until that improves (and it is possible it may never improve to the point where dinner together is possible).
One more thought on separation – There is no doubt that it is no good for the kids to come from a ‘broken home’. Be in no doubt however that it is considerably worse for them to grow up in one. Do not kid yourself that you are staying together ‘for the children’. If Mum and Dad are both not joyful and not in love, you can’t be the best parents that you can be and it teaches your children all the wrong things about what an adult intimate relationship should look like.
I’d love to work with you around finding strategies that work for both parents, and most importantly your child. Book your free no-obligation chat here.