Co-parenting in separation: Getting the best outcomes for your kids (part 2)

Taking the time to understand how the difficulties of separation can affect a child and their behaviour can help us approach problematic behaviour, with a better mindset and lead to better results. The skill of emotion coaching can be highly beneficial in those moments and indeed in all relationships. Part 1 of this blog series explores separation, it’s effect on children, and emotion coaching.

Co-Parenting structures are useful to help minimise the difficulties you might encounter with parenting after separation. These tips are taken from an article titled Co-Parenting for Separated & Divorced Parents on the Movember Family Man website.

Maintain consistency

Once you’ve agreed on how you’re going to interact with your co-parent, it’s time to start thinking about how you can both make things as easy for your kids as possible.

One of the biggest ways you can help a kid through a divorce is to ensure consistency. Of course, it’s important for kids to encounter different perspectives and learn to be flexible — but only up to a certain point. Whether they’re aware of it or not, children crave consistency. You and your co-parent can join forces to try and create more stability for them across households.

Consistent rules

If you can come up with family rules for behaviour that are the same at your house and your co-parent’s house, then children find it easier to understand what is expected of them and this makes it easier to apply a consistent approach to discipline.

However, you don’t want to be fighting with your ex about different rules at the different houses. You simply can’t control that. While it’s good to have consistency between houses, don’t start a war over differences. Just focus on what you can control yourself, that is, having clear rules at your house and calmly sticking to them.

Consistent discipline

Disciplining your kids can be a huge bone of contention, even for couples who are together. If your kid gets away with something at your place but the same misbehaviour is disciplined by your co-parent, well that’s just not fair on anyone and this can be confusing for children.

Using similar discipline strategies between households reduces this confusion and helps to ensure positive child behaviour. For example, if not following certain rules leads to a time-in in your partner’s home, consider using the same consequence in your house too.

Consistent reward strategies

It’s also important to use similar reward strategies across households. For example, if your partner is trying to encourage your child to talk in a quiet voice instead of yelling at home by using reward strategies, using similar reward strategies in your house will help promote this positive behaviour.

Consistent routines

It also helps to match up household schedules where possible. Aim for a similar morning routine, the same approach to screen time, and a consistent bedtime. This will help children adjust and feel comfortable when moving between two households.

John’s Note:  The benefits of consistency across a child’s two homes cannot be overstated. This should also apply to chores (like make your bed, clean your room, help with dinner). Differences in the households are likely to make your child uncomfortable and provide another opportunity for the child to go, “I don’t like the way things are done here. Let me do it my way or I want to go back to Mum’s.” This can be seen as very manipulative by the child, but remember they are in a difficult situation that was not of their making and, if they can take advantage of a situation to make themselves feel a little better, why wouldn’t they?

I’d love to work with you around finding strategies that work for both parents, and most importantly your child. Book your free no-obligation chat here.