Dealing With Sibling Rivalry (or how do I stop my kids from killing each other?)

Is your household a melting pot of your kids constantly competing with each other? How do you stop your kids from killing each other?

The first thing that has to be recognised is that this is an expected outcome of drawing a new person into a set of established relationships. Picture a new worker coming into a team. They have to figure out how to get along with their bosses and their peers. It is entirely likely that another worker might see them as a threat because the boss will like them or their work more or might spend more time working with them. At home, the kicker is that the more devoted you have been to your existing children, the more of a threat that the new-born will be. The older ones will see that Mum and Dad suddenly have a little less time for them and their focus may be very much on the newcomer. This is entirely unsatisfactory to them.

There are 2 ways to minimise the impact of the newcomer’s arrival. First is planning. If your eldest is less than around 18 months old, they don’t yet have the neural connections to fully process the change in their world and who is to blame for it. Then, once they are about 5, they are a little more independent and have a better capacity to understand what has changed and why it needs to and so perceive less of a threat. Other than that, the key thing is to prepare older children for the arrival of new ones. Talk to them about what is going to happen and why. The better they understand that their importance has not changed in your eyes, the more accepting of the change they will be. Giving them ‘important’ roles in the care of the baby (like cuddles) can also get them used to being more nurturing towards, and less threatened by, the newcomer. It is also critical that the older ones continue to get their ‘special time’ with each of their parents. It doesn’t have to be long (10 minutes can get it done) but it does have to be regular (read daily).  

As they grow there are also things you can do. The first is, teach them. Teach them about ownership and how to ask to play with someone else’s possessions (or things that belong to the family, but their sibling is playing with or things that belong to you and now you want them back). Teach them how to respond to such requests. Teach them about waiting their turn. Teach them that it is all right not to share at times and what to say when you don’t want to. Teach them that it is normal and okay to feel angry or frustrated with a sibling and how to deal with those feelings in an acceptable way when that happens. Teach them how to sort out their differences by themselves in acceptable ways. In case it is unclear, you need to teach them. We do everybody a disservice by assuming that ‘they are old enough to know better’.

In the end, be secure in the knowledge that if they are raised in a loving and tolerant home, where getting along well with people is consistently modelled, those things will eventually rub off and they will generally become great mates.

If you’d like to know more about setting your helping your kids get along, book a free 15 minute, no-obligation phone call where I am happy to chat about your situation and how I may be able to help.

It may be that is all you need to make a huge difference and, if that was the case, I would be delighted. It is the reason I do what I do.